IT’S ALL MY FAULT

Halloween Suggestion Box of Horrors

By Duane Scott Cerny

This is the final Halloween before a conflagration of two competing narratives, neither one of which will go on to have a decent film adaptation.  

 Of course, I’m NOT talking about the election. I’m suggesting if you haven’t yet chosen a Halloween costume, your suggestion box of a head may be empty.

 If you can recall last year’s most popular Halloween costume without triggering a seizure, it was all about Barbie. You couldn’t kindly toss a pink poodle in the air and not hit a Halloween-reveler dressed as Barbie. You could hit them with other things, but pink poodles made them scream the loudest. That, and the Oscar snub.

 And then there was Ken. Though Kenough, the ballad, was Oscar-worthy, the film wasn’t Ken enough. (Which was the filmmaker’s point.) And though Ken wasn’t enough for Barbie, it turned out Ken wasn’t even enough for Ken. Anywhere else, he’d be a ten waiting for change. Who saw that spoiler alert coming?

 American masculinity was rightly turned on its pink head by Barbie’s movie message: Men have messed up the world and Mattel made a fortune selling unattainable expectations. Perhaps it’s now breast to move on. I mean best, best…

 In so many ways, 2024 is evolving into a brave new 1984 world. It’s as if we’re binging on the sequel to the reboot of something we found truly unpleasant the first go-round. But enough about the Trump presidency.

 Still, for this year’s 51st Village Halloween Parade we must evolve from our past celebrity-inspired costume ideas without Barbie, Ken, Midge, Allen, and whoever was playing Will Ferrell.

In that Halloween spirit, may I suggest costume ideas to the head in the box…

Lauren Boebart Simpson Costume: Bare bottomed and nearly naked, save for strategically nipple-affixed mini windmills, LBS is an easy costume to pull together (or off) but not while vaping in a crowded theater. Unsurprisingly, even the touring company of Beetlejuice found her behavior disturbing, and they perform eight shows a week with a giant snake that LBS isn’t even dating. Ay Caramba!

RuPaul Gosar Costume: Put aside any political prejudices you have and channel your inner queen. Visually recreating a 6 foot 4 inch drag star will require uncomfortable high heeled shoes, some fabulous fashions, and a dose of double entendre laced snark. Verbally recreating the doltish blathering of Gosar will be more of a trick than a treat. Find your inner incompetent, embarrassingly clueless self, and open your mouth. When your own family shuns you at the parade, you’ve won. Sashay away!

Stephen Miller Lite Re-invented as an export, or more accurately, a deport, this drunk ideology is easier to swallow than Jonestown Kool-Aid. Costume: Step into a tall, glass-like bottle or tin can, shave your head bald and remove any facial expression other than rage. Snag yourself a set of black contact lenses and adopt that cold, dead-eyed look Miller perfected in high school. Remember, 1,400 children are still without their parents because of Miller, so bring your best Cruella de Ville attitude as you’ll be stealing candy from all trick or treaters. If a Halloween devil cries, you’re a hit!

Jesse Falling Watters One would think straddling your position over a fast-streaming rivulet would be a challenge—still, Fox News has no problem holding two disparate talking points and their water at the same time. Costume: Gather up a few cardboard boxes from a Fox News dumpster and construct your FLW-inspired look. Motivation: Consider that a lie may imply a lack of movement, yet many lies are able to cross long distances in a single X-tweet. Remember to bring an extra diaper for that long, Village Halloween walk of shame home.

Judge Judy Garland Morph two gay icons and you’ve got one delicious diva re-imagined. Costume: So many moments of her career to choose from: The Wizard of Oz Judy, the sad tramp Judy, the short-skirted tuxedo Judy. Take your camp pick. Perhaps a simple, well-tailored judge’s robe. Remember she changed her hairstyle a few years back, so be certain your look captures the essence of the phrase: “Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting!”

Elon Muskrat Love Perhaps the easiest of all proposed Halloween outfits to fashion— then terminate all those who proposed it. Costume: Take today’s obsession with furries one step further and weave actual pieces of fur into the rodent that is Elon. Having 12 children with three different females isn’t really a stretch when one takes credit for all the dams that beavers built, not muskrats. And as for love, well, if holding your breath under water for 20 minutes or spreading your DNA are your superpowers, you’re qualified to be a member of Trump’s cabinet. Or at least his chest of drawers.

---

Duane Scott Cerny is the best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things and Vintage Confidential. He is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and a podcast guest favorite. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com or on Etsy at TheDeadPeoplesStore.