IT’S ALL MY FAULT
HOW TO WRITE YOUR OWN VALENTINE CARD
By Duane Scott Cerny
Valentine’s Day is a holiday one best not mess with.
Massacres have occurred that had nothing to do with Al Capone, often in homes where
one partner forgot this most-forgettable holiday and ended up buried in the basement or
stuffed in the trunk of a car in an unheated garage. But enough about my love life.
I’m here to help with a few DIY-style Valentine messages that may rescue your
relationship or help you survive one of the most stressful dates of the year. Feel free to
plagiarize my words; however, please don’t give me any credit should these miss the
VD mark. Penicillin, you know, doesn’t cure everything.
The ”I Love You Almost as Much as My Dog” Valentine
In some veterinary circles, this card presses down as many leaves in a heartfelt
scrapbook as it does in your own backyard. If your significant other does not accept this
caring message with the secondary intent it conveys, perhaps it’s time to replace your
beloved with a rescue. Sometimes love is a battlefield, sometimes it’s a dog park.
The “Sorry I Had a Torrid Affair” Valentine
It’s never too late to apologize (unless you’ve already been served papers). Try to put
the past piece of ass behind you, so to speak, and consolidate your confession into an
expression of love. If that doesn’t work, 1-800-LAWYERS always does. If busy, stay on
the line and see if you can hit on the AI voice message.
The ”I May Need to Take Your Kidney” Valentine
Someone once told me they were unable to pay for an item they purchased online
because they were giving their spouse their kidney. If I can save one relationship or a
dialysis treatment, my work here is done.
The ”Sorry About the Audit” Valentine
This is the ideal message for couples who work together, or who once worked together
and will never work together in the future. It’s also the perfect card in which to blame the
IRS.
The “Am I Getting Sex Tonight?” Valentine
This message cuts right to the chase. Why waste valuable signature ink if hot action is
not in the works? Consider this the opportune moment to convey someone’s lack of
passion or egg timer sexual inefficiencies.
The ”How Could I Ever Live Without You?” Valentine
Oddly, this message works both for couples who’ve been together for decades and for
stalkers who are no longer incarcerated but still have a romantic parole streak. Such a
valentine expresses commitment that succeeds in making everyone uncomfortable,
which, coincidentally, is in the Kama Sutra under “Ouch!”
The “I Know I Married the Wrong Siamese Twin” Valentine
Yes, these things happen, especially in poorly lit Las Vegas wedding chapels. Why
spend your life in a loveless marriage to Violet when you’ve always pined for Daisy?
Plus, she’s the one who can cook! Perhaps now you can follow your true heart and
break another in the process. Some may call this duplicitous but only because they
can’t see the forest for the menage a’ trois.
The ”Cemetery Plot” Valentine
Whether you’re announcing the purchase of side-by-side graves to spend forever
together, or the plots are very near one another, or almost in the same cemetery, love is
love. Nothing says eternity like getting down and dirty. Six feet, to be specific.
The ”Second Family I Have Isn’t Really a Problem” Valentine
Perhaps now is the time to tell her/him/them about the second family you’ve housed in
Jersey City for decades. In fact, buying two cards with similar messaging might save
you heartache or even injury. For clarity, avoid discussing the names of your additional
children, as too many Juniors don’t necessarily make a good mint.
The ”Let’s Take It Slow” Valentine
Is there anything more perfect than devising a great excuse long before you need it?
This card does the trick and still allows you to treat yourself to the lusty buffet known as
“l’amour.” If you still have a fear of commitment, simply do not sign the card. Initials are
acceptable. Also, a fingerprint. Sometimes DNA.
The ”I Apologize For My Yearlong Jerkiness” Valentine
This card offsets your 365-days of bad behavior ranging from those poorly chosen
comments at your sister-in-law’s fourth wedding to the time you brought the wrong cat
back from the vet. This card covers the waterfront like a sailor staggering along the
docks during Fleet Week.
The ”I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Valentine Card” Valentine
Short of ideas? Buy whatever card that first meets your wandering eye. Happy birthday,
bar mitzvah, condolences on the loss of your rent stabilized apartment – specificity here
no longer matters here. Just make sure to snag an envelope. Write “Happy Valentine’s
Day, Suzanne!” even if that isn’t your other half’s name. Remember: It’s the thought that
shows countenance.
Should any of these suggestions make your Valentine’s Day just an inappropriate pinch
sweeter, please follow me on Substack. Contrary to popular belief, Substack has
nothing to do with pancakes or the stacking of Submissives. They too often fall,
seemingly never, to find the bottom.
Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of “Selling Dead People’s Things” and “Vintage Confidential,” he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market. Contact: E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com.
