IT’S ALL MY FAULT
“I’m Looking for Something Shaped Like a Brick…”
By Duane Scott Cerny
With the holidays fast approaching now is the time to reflect on retail commerce.
I will not address internet shopping as that can occasionally be a nightmare depending upon the website and your shipping luck: packages lost, stolen, or arriving in a box that was seemingly pounded as flat as a butterflied chicken breast. Other than those poultry details, it’s a nearly perfect business model.
Old-school brick and mortar shopping is archaic but oddly satisfying, especially over the holidays. Imagine going into a store, purchasing an item, and they give it to you, often in an actual bag. Crazy, right? Instantaneously you have your purchase in hand and you’re off to your next real-life experience. Suddenly the future is yesterday.
Today, however, I thought I’d pull back the curtain on the other side of retail, notably resale, specifically at a brick-and-mortar vintage store.
How could this be any different from shopping in a retail store? Well, let’s review actual questions/comments I’ve received at my antiques store. These puzzling thoughts are from real customers, all quite serious, and the answers provided by yours truly.
I see SOLD tags on items. What do those mean?
It means someone else purchased it.
I know this is an antiques store, but might the person you purchased this from want it back?
That person is deceased—but yes, if he shows up, that would be a problem.
Can I bring in lingerie models for a photo shoot? You can use the prints in your advertising.
Thanks, but I don’t think your photographs would help sell a toaster or other vintage appliances. Sadly, skimpy attire tends to be rather flammable.
If I don’t buy this today might someone else buy it tomorrow?
Perhaps. But since the election, I no longer make predictions. I was fired from the Psychic Hotline for not being overly optimistic.
Why aren’t these cufflinks earrings?
It’s against God’s law.
Why aren’t these earrings cufflinks?
It’s against Allah’s law.
I’m looking for something that I think was never made?
Yes, non-existent items are often the hardest to find.
Three years ago you had something that was purple.
Everything that was purple we sold two years ago.
Can you gift wrap an item I bought from another store?
Yes. However, it will be wrapped in old duct tape.
Can you deliver to a fourth-floor walk-up for free?
No, but my movers know a good chiropractor with a sense of humor.
I need a suit of armor. Like today.
Sorry, all our suits are polyester. From yesteryear.
This is exactly what I’m looking for… but I won’t be buying it today.
What is it you’re not buying? I’ll be certain it’s sold before your next visit.
I’m looking for something shaped like a brick.
How about a brick?
You have exactly what I’ve been looking for. How long will this item be available?
Until someone other than yourself gleefully buys it.
Can I take furniture on approval for a week or two so I can live with it while I decide?
No. Our furniture, like shelter pets, needs forever homes.
I don’t have any money. I can’t pay by check, credit, or cash… but I still want to purchase this item. Any ideas?
Borrow money? Panhandle? Launch an OnlyFans page for the near-sighted?
How long has this been here?
A week, a month, a couple of months? Vintage isn’t a loaf of bread. It doesn’t go stale and turn into croutons or penicillin.
Why don’t you offer free delivery?
Because we’re not Amazon/Jeff Bezos (who’s worth $205 billion) and charges $14.99 a month for his free delivery.
What’s the least you’ll take for this? You’ve had it forever. I think it has a chip or a scratch or something is probably wrong with it.
I think you deserve better. Not anything better here, but certainly better elsewhere.
I had this when I was a kid. It would be touching if you could just give it to me for nostalgia’s sake.
If I gave it to you, I’d be touched in the head… for neurological sake.
I’m part of a nudist group. We like to shop in the nude while stores are closed. Do you have a problem with that?
No. But my upholstered furniture does.
Will things be cheaper when you go out of business?
Yes. But the staff has decided not to tell you when that will happen.
What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever sold?
My soul.
Do you have any interest in a grand piano?
No. But there’s always interest in large pianists.
Thirty years of vintage retailing have made me the semi-snarky, perennially patient, permanently puzzled, yet oddly successful vintage dealer I am today. My motto: Real questions deserve real answers. Truly ridiculous questions deserve truly ridiculous answers. Or in some instances, the truth.
Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things and Vintage Confidential, he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and is a podcast guest favorite. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com or on Etsy at TheDeadPeoplesStore.
