It’s All My Fault
How to Survive the Next Four Years: A Prescription
By Duane Scott Cerny
A nasty malady is scheduled to soon sweep the country again, its first pass being a disastrous one. Is it as deadly as COVID? All we know is that orange is the new blowback.
Thankfully, there’s a new medication to counter the effects of this returning outbreak. “Windmillican” is an FDA-unapproved medication for those suffering the effects of RNC-elected officials, most notably words that rhyme with “dump.” Such as “drumpf.” The alliteration can be fatal if used improperly at birthday parties or weddings or on any social media site where “X” is neither a rating nor a consonant.
Like all medication, Windmillican may have side effects. Please read the instructions closely as there will be a test in 2028 when withdrawal symptoms may occur. Cold turkey is never recommended unless it’s a 3 am snack.
WINDMILLICAN: The Blue State Warning
Do not take this medication if you are operating overly accessorized motorcycles, flashy four wheelers, or pimped out farm machinery. To limit your exposure to personal humiliation, Tesla Cybertrucks and inaudible Hummers are permissible if they do not leave your driveway.
Windmillican may cause nightmares such as chasing lost pets, unpreparedness for tests, or running out of skim milk at a lactose-free pot luck. Relatedly, Windmillican is not responsible for subliminal dream interpretations conducted outside of a doctor’s office, inside his waiting room, or during mediocre seances.
Do not use if you have a fondness for consciousness. Windmillican does not cause unconsciousness but it’s best to stay vertical until you are no longer. Remember, horizontal is safe so long as it isn’t permanent, and you’re not spread out in someone else’s parking spot.
If you are nursing or considering becoming a nurse, some patients using Windmillican may experience sensitive nipples while watching episodes of Bridgeton… particularly those scenes involving tight pants and loose plot lines.
Drug interactions have occurred in studies involving mice who have lost the will to eat cheese. If you are taking Windmillican with a statin that isn’t bound for an island off the coast of Manhattan, use discretion. We don’t need you broadcasting your cholesterol count to total strangers.
Do not take Windmillican if you are allergic to your neighbors, co-workers, waitstaff, or family members. Remember, most individuals on the above list are also allergic to you and your dull, oft-repeated stories regarding your cat,
If you are pregnant, soon to be pregnant, or just feeling bloated and gassy, Windmillican may cause an increased likeliness of twins/triplets, insatiable horniness, or your placement in a room far from anyone with breathing and/or molestation issues.
If you have a history of heart-related problems, remember a heart is not judged by how much you love but how much you are loved by others. This policy is applicable only in Kansas and other balloon flyover states.
If you have trouble swallowing, you are not alone. Spitting is permissible, just not on one another. Yet. If you have trouble speaking while using Windmillican, it may simply reflect your lack of verbal originality not failing mental acuity. Try not talking for a while and note if others see your silence as proof of your former empty-headed verboseness.
If you drink, smoke, or have asthma, talk to your doctor. If you’re not on speaking terms with your doctor, order a drink, light up a cigarette and wheeze on the bartender. Tip well before tipping over.
Liver problems have been reported with Windmillican, mostly by people who dislike liver. And chewy calamari… which coincidentally was the name of a high school classmate.
Swelling of the lips may occur but it’s problematic only if you’re not entering a competitive drag contest. Big buttocks continue to be culturally popular so consider not taking this drug orally.
Some patients have complained of completely disappearing while on Windmillican.. Should you find yourself not appearing in mirrors, consider changing your career to a government position. The post office is always hiring qualified management personnel who rarely materialize.
Windmillican will soon be widely available via many methods, injection likely being the most popular because, you know, it’s painful. It will also be $500 a month because, you know, it’s painful.
Most patients commonly see a decrease in “giving an F” within the first year. Dry mouth is often reported. Wet mouth is more popular. See spitting comment above for clarification.
Note: I would never use my highly influential column to promote a miracle elixir like some $100K-guitar-shilling flimflamming huckster. Still, I may be playing a familiar tune.
Tilt to the left… with Windmillican!
Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things and Vintage Confidential, he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and is a podcast guest favorite. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com or on Etsy at TheDeadPeoplesStore.
