It’s All My Fault
Audible Voyeur: True Village Snippets
By Duane Scott Cerny
I love Nora Ephron. The phrase “everything is copy” is both the title to a wonderful biopic of Ms. Ephron and an expression her mother used to use. At its essence, everything that happens to you, everything you experience—good, bad, and in between—is copy. Content.
To me, a sentence—heck, even a few grunted inebriated words—can be the spark of a story. For years I’ve kept a little notebook (now Notes in my iPhone), thinking I’d one day weave a thousand unrelated true comments into a single stream of unconsciousness novel ala Day of the Locust, A Confederacy of Dunces, or more likely, Valley of the Dolls. (Don’t hold your breath on that one!)
For today, however, let’s explore a random notebook sampling from the streets of New York City…
Two Women Chatting, Hudson & 11th: “I’m torn between cleaning my apartment today or calling the Tenement Museum to see if they’d like to open a Pop-Up Shop in my living room.”
Wife to Husband, outside a Christopher Street Dispensary: “If you’re going in there, DO NOT buy any gummies unless they’re pink. You’ve no idea how much pressure I’m under after that damn Barbie movie.”
Broadway Theatergoer: “I don’t care how many times she asks– I’m not giving her Santa’s personal email address. She can find it the same way I did!”
Two Gay Men, Cocktailing: “Whoever would have thought a bachelorette party at a gay bar would be the best place for a straight guy to get laid?”
A Popular Village Diner: “Okay, I want a lox and poppyseed bagel sandwich. Hold the tomato and onion, cucumber slice, and cream cheese on the side. Lox sliced razor thin.”
Waitress: “Should I remove all the poppyseeds for you or just put them in a bowl filled with my tears?”
Woman Approaching a Dog Walker: “That looks like a really fun job. If I wanted to become a professional dog walker, what should I do?”
Dog Walker: “Adopt a cat.”
Patron to Bartender: “Just so you know, I think a couple are having sex in your bathroom.”
Bartender: “Oh, that’s not allowed. Did it look like they needed a hand?”
Thrift Store Shopper: “Why are your prices higher than Etsy?”
Clerk: “Because we prefer to disappoint you right up front.”
Two Women, Coffee Shop: “No more blind dates for me. The last one showed up with his dog… and he wasn’t even blind.”
Homeless Person: “Give me ten dollars.”
Me: “I gave you two dollars last night…”
Homeless Person: “Then you still owe me eight dollars.”
Two Men Crossing Jane Street: “My girlfriend asked what I thought about eyebrow threading. I made a totally innocent comment about sewing machines and she totally lost it!”
Bookstore Customer to Clerk: “I so enjoyed The Diary of Anne Frank. Do you have anything new by that author?”
Clerk: “Seriously? Um… no, not lately.”
Pharmacy Shoppers Chatting: “Sure I’m disappointed all the laundry detergent is locked up—I’m just surprised how clean today’s shoplifters have become.”
Two Older Gentlemen, Waiting at Bus Stop: “Have you noticed that nine out of ten doctors today don’t seem to agree on anything?”
Two Fashionable Women, Bleecker Perfumery: “I know she’s regarded as one of the city’s best dermatologists but her waiting room is starting to feel more taxidermied.”
Ladies Who Lunch: “Every time a waiter asks if I’d prefer my water bottled or tap, I always want to ask what pairs best with bread. In a past life, I must have been a convict.”
Grocery Store Shoppers: “I don’t mind self-checkout, but I do miss all the gossip the cashiers used to drop while bagging. That’s how I found out my neighbor was a transexual baker. Well, all the free scarves and sconces were a bit of a hint.”
A New York City Cabbie: “I once picked up Mario Cuomo as a fare. I’m thinking, I’ve got one chance to ask him this question. After a mile or two of driving, I finally get up the nerve: ‘So, Governor Cuomo, why didn’t you run for the presidency? Is it because you’re Italian? You know, the mob, President Kennedy? People might want to kill you.’”
Me: “What did he say?”
Cabbie: “He mumbled something about Uber…”
Duane Scott Cerny is an American humorist and vintage dealer, and the author of the best-selling memoirs Vintage Confidential and Selling Dead People’s Things. He resides in Chicago, the West Village, and on uncomfortable seating between. www.SellingDeadPeoplesThings.com.
Contact: ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com
