MY INSATIABLE LUST FOR LISTS
Duane Scott Cerny
In Western culture, seven is believed to be a lucky number with historical roots in mythology, superstition, religion, and other questionable institutions that have benefited the art of candle making throughout millennia. Though never mentioned in the Bible, Christians provide us with the Seven Deadly Sins: wrath, sloth, pride, lust, gluttony, envy, and greed. Coincidentally, these are the same qualities needed to work at the DMV.
Literature offers up The House of the Seven Gables (some badly in need of reshingling per the 1851 Landmarks Commission.) Seven is also a prime number, meaning it can be divided only by itself, the number one, and better carving knives that have been thrown at you.
There are seven days of the week and seven colors in a rainbow, and seven is routinely blamed for a certain yearly itch, though Tinder, Grindr, and other r sounds are equally responsible.
You can see where this is going, so let’s start with 3 + 4 =
7 Signs Your Liver Is in Danger …
- Refuses to be served with onions.
- Stops responding to your texts.
- Wants to see other organs.
- Suddenly orders obscure off-brand vodkas.
- Refuses to wear a condom.
- Wishes to now be referred to as Lilly.
- Its Amber Alert is yellow.
6 Ways to Explain Bitcoin to Novices …
- Create a pie chart that can be eaten.
- Use hand puppets to demonstrate value and/or disturbing fluctuations..
- Host a treasure hunt and hide fundamental Bitcoin facts in a nonexistent treasure chest.
- Detail Bitcoin rules using only ironic haikus.
- Find 100 mimes and 100 typewriters, lock the door, then wait until they finish their long overdue Bitcoin screenplay.
- Compare and contrast Bitcoin to the inner workings of Vatican accounting practices, absolution, and annulments.
5 Little Known Facts About Bed Bugs …
- It started as a Bible curse, being one of the lesser-known plagues in need of better representation.
- It crawled out from a crusty earth ¾ or the Devil’s first foray into franchising: Motel 666.
- If you split a bed bug open, genetically you’d discover them to be 99.8% mattress foam and 0.02% Doritos, the extra-hot ones.
- Bed bugs secrete minimally as it burns their little butts like F (see above).
- Bed Bug livers cannot digest Bitcoin.
4 Ways To Not Talk About Politics …
- Create a card that reads “My Other Democratic Party Is a Poodle” and hand it out as if you’d channeled Marcel Marceau.
- Use your mouth in other ways: eating, drinking, singing nonpolitical tunes, and if desperate, oral sex with a Libertarian.
- Create a card that reads “My Old Republican Party. If we can’t win and be second right, we’ll have to be the third right.”
- Whisper your laryngitis apology of infectious throat congestion. Or just kiss them and exact your political revenge via spit.
3 Siri (And Not So) Serious Questions Needing Answers …
- Is Siri’s limited range of humor due to some unresolved trauma from an old misfiring Texas Instruments circuit board?
- Has Siri ever read the prophesies of Nostradamus or just the CliffsNotes? (I feel he/she/they are more of a “skimmer” than a reader, given the specificity of their many dodgy responses.)
- Why isn’t Siri like my other therapist, Facebook? FYI: Some “friends” they turned out to be. I’m leaving a nasty YELP review implying something untoward between the two. Yes, I said untoward!
2 Greenwich Village Rats Making Hats …
- Rats, like realtors, echo: “Location, location, location.” Can we really blame their good taste? Why eat anywhere else?
- When a random rat was asked to comment on this essay, he bit me and ran off with my Prada fencing slippers I got half off… Oh, and I take a Size 7.
1 Start your Lust today. I mean List. Damn, autocorectal!
Duane Scott Cerny is an American poet, alternative music artist, humorist and vintage dealer and the author of the best-selling memoirs Vintage Confidential and Selling Dead People’s Things. He resides in Chicago and the West Village and on uncomfortable seating between. Contact: ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com
