IT’S ALL MY FAULT…
Baby, It’s Cold Outside: Let’s Chatter About Florida
By Duane Scott Cerny
Photo by Keith Michael.
Are snowbirds, the weather-migrating travelers who routinely squeeze oversized luggage into overhead bins, on their way to extinction? Yes, they may have thought they were going to West Palm Beach but their destiny, if not destination, may have changed.
You see, Florida is no longer known for snowbirds: It is now best known under the hashtag moniker of “Florida Man/Florida Woman” in hundreds of media stories. Yup, it’s a thing. So many nutjobs, so little column space. But let’s look at the weirdest Florida stories of 2023:
A #FloridaMan working in the pest and lawn service industry allegedly exposed himself to multiple clients, claiming that he had a broken zipper on his pants. (Terrible pick-up!) Victims of this fly-by-night crime claim he was the worst pest of all, tough certainly not the biggest, his junk being considerably smaller than most Florida insects.
A #FloridaMan walked into a Fort Myers Bass Pro Shop and stole both a fishing net and a 50 pound tarpon from the store’s large indoor pond. As it must say in some banned Florida Bible: “Teach a man to steal a fish and he eats until he never wants to see another tarpon again.” Golden Corral is now considering this addition as a Friday seafood feature, served with faux lemon wedges.
A #FloridaMan was arrested for allegedly stealing his co-worker’s wallet and purchasing beer and a pumpkin at a local Publix store. When confronted at his home, police found no beer (burp) but did rescue a carved pumpkin. Said the gourd: “It was horrible. He came at me with a knife, hallowed me out and carved this face on me. Now I’ll look like the comic Carrot Top until I shrivel up on some stranger’s porch!”
A #FloridaMan was taken into custody for allegedly defecating on a dead possum in the middle of a busy road during rush hour. The possum, of course, had no comment but the poop is only talking to the media through its lawyer… as there’s always some shitty lawyer around to take a case like this.
A tourist from Pittsburgh became a #FloridaMan when he was arrested for intoxication and the alleged molestation of a plastic manatee statue in the parking lot of Rick’s Reef restaurant in St. Pete Beach. When questioned by police, the man said he was driven to do it, as the tarpon stolen from the Bass Pro Shop had been the true love of his life. DJs around the country are now remixing Grace Jones’s disco classic “I need a manatee… perhaps a manatee like you!”
A #FloridaMan attempted to carjack a woman who was in the drive-thru lane at her local Starbucks. The man jumped out of the car when he discovered pumpkin spice was a flavor no longer offered and pistachio was unacceptable to him because of “foaming” issues.
A #FloridaMan refused to pay for a tattoo of a Waffle House claiming it looked more like an IHOP. In fairness, when he flexed his arm, the tattoo looked more like a day old beignet from Stop and Shop.
Not to be sexist, a #FloridaWoman attempted to board a plane at the Tampa International Airport with a 4-foot-long boa constrictor in her carry-on bag, claiming it was an “emotional support snake.” The woman was not permitted to board but the snake was allowed; he had the kosher meal and watched the in-flight film, you guessed it… Snakes on a Plane.
Yet another #FloridaWoman has found herself in some serious female trouble. Held in jail since June 2022, she is now four months pregnant, though she does not know who the father could be. (Hello, Maury Povich?) Though the county jail houses both male and female inmates, they are on separate floors. The only explanation for this immaculate misconception is this “implausible” theory floating about the media: The pregnancy is the result of a gloved male inmate passing semen through an air conditioning vent in the jail wall. A single glove? Sounds like another Michael Jackson sighting to me. Now, beat it!
And finally, the Tampa Bay Times recently invited readers to submit their state-wide grievances to be published in celebration of Festivus, the holiday introduced on Seinfeld. Unsurprisingly, many LGBTQ+ folk complained about book banning, the treatment of transgender children, and Ron DeSantis’s terrible wardrobe choices. Those white boots were made for walking, Ron… and that’s just what they’ll do… but not to the White House.
Duane Scott Cerny is an American poet, alternative music artist, humorist and vintage dealer, and the author of the best-selling memoirs Vintage Confidential and Selling Dead People’s Things. He resides in Chicago, the West Village, and on uncomfortable seating between.
Contact: ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com
