A SATIRICAL OPINION PIECE

The Blind Bicyclist: A Greenwich Village Tale of Life and Death

By David Pinto

Just when you thought it was safe to cross Hudson Street in the West Village, a new group of villains has appeared on the scene. They have no police record, few prior arrests, and have probably served no jail time. Nonetheless, they’ve proven in a short time to be as deadly and unforgiving as all the Lower Manhattan felons who preceded them.

I’m speaking, of course, of the mostly young (and arguably hard-of-seeing) bike riders who have come to terrorize the West Village and the surrounding neighborhoods. Sometimes, they attempt to utilize the bike lanes that the city has designated for their use. However, this is an extremely rare occurrence. The following is a short, and by no means comprehensive, list of their crimes.

1. They appear to have no knowledge of the arrows that classify a one-way street, a designation that applies to all vehicles on the city streets. On the contrary, they travel against traffic almost as frequently as they obey the one-way arrows.

2. Traffic lights have no meaning for these errant bike riders. True, they will occasionally slow down to momentarily acknowledge a red light or a light about to turn red. Yet, only for an instant before they bicycle on their merry way, ignoring pedestrians and cars with equal disdain.

3. They enjoy using their mobile phones every bit as much as the pedestrians they threaten to run over. Perhaps more so. In any case, they appear to be paying more attention to the people they’re speaking to on the phone than those in front of them on the street.

4. They love eating as much as the rest of us. The big difference here is that they eat and bike simultaneously — but not always successfully. They’d rather finish their sandwich or slice of pizza than show any courtesy to the people trying to avoid them.

That was a short, and by no means complete, list but us New Yorkers refuse to be intimidated. After all, the police are on the alert, aren’t they? Moreover, we pedestrians have the numbers on our side, don’t we? Except that it doesn’t really matter. The blind bicyclists insist that they have the right-of-way and they mean to use it. The public be damned.

Venturing out amid this gang of — is “cutthroats” too strong a word? — offenders is simply not worth the risk. Especially if you’re one of those unfortunates who forget to look both ways, nonsensically believing that these bikers care for the people who live and work in the community we foolishly insist on calling home.

So what are we to do? The answer is simple: Stay home.