A Satirical Opinion Piece

City Fails to Finish Its Work

By David Pinto

There’s good news tonight! Finally fed up with largely unwarranted criticism over its failure to do much of anything to improve the lot of its citizens, the City of New York has at last issued a schedule of construction projects, along with projections of when these various projects will be completed and how the new landscape will supplant the old.

The news is especially bright for West Village residents, those second-class citizens who have for too long been forced to live on promises largely unrealistic and always unkept.

As a way of apologizing, the City has rewarded West Village residents for their patience by allowing the Village View to break the news of this unprecedented construction project along with the mayor’s solemn pledge that, once begun, it will be completed well before the first snow flies.

The landmark construction project has five components. Here, in no particular order, we will spell them out for you, our loyal and long-suffering residents.

1. The completion of Pier 40. Perhaps “completion” is an imperfect word here. Put another way, this vagrant edifice, neither fish nor fowl, will be demolished, probably before the July 4th holiday. In its place (the mayor claims before the New Year is ushered in) will come a brand new Madison Square Garden, with the tacit approval of the Garden’s current owners. The new arena will host the Knicks, the Rangers, the Islanders, the Jersey Devils, and, possibly, the New York Giants football team. (The mayor, it should be noted, is rather vague about the Giants. Space, he admits, might be an issue.)

2. Removal of all scaffolding in the West Village. A just-released study has revealed that the West Village is covered in illegal scaffolding, with no fewer than 350 illegal structures (along with the accompanying ground-level “cages” added to protect and divert pedestrians) embarrassing our neighborhood. The mayor insists they will be history by Labor Day. (In truth, the mayor launched a campaign last year to clears the streets of these eyesores, but please don’t remind him of this failure. He’s become very thin-skinned of late.)

3. Repaving the streets in the West Village to, finally, remove the cobblestones. In truth, a similar project has already been launched on the streets abutting Central Park and, according to the New York Times, is proceeding with only minor delays. Expected completion date: Valentine’s Day 2025. To raise revenue to complete this project, the City will auction off these outdated cobblestones sometime this fall.

4. Removal of the traffic lights that have transformed what was once the West Side Highway into something more akin to Featherbed Lane. To subsidize this transformation, the City is currently soliciting bids for the outdated but still functional streetlights from a variety of U.S. cities, most notably Reno, Nevada and Ogden, Utah. It’s rumored that Beijing, China has also submitted a bid.

5. Last, but by no means least, the mayor is committed to synchronizing the infamous street lights that unfailingly transform the once-impressive West Highway into something resembling nothing as much as the ascent of the dollar coaster at Coney Island. In other words, it promises — but never delivers. These traffic lights, one hears, may also be pedaled oversees. Apparently, Russia has expressed interest as a way of sprucing up Red Square.

Well, there you have it. So unpack your bags, stop leafing through the real estate ads, and renew your subscription to the Village View. Life is just beginning — I think.