IT’S ALL MY FAULT
Seven Holiday Household Cleaning Tips for the Very, Very Lazy
By Duane Scott Cerny
We all have them: household projects that never seem to get done no matter who we have left to blame. Procrastination may be the curse of the disorganized life but at least it gives you plenty of time to be disappointed.
The prospect of holiday hosting seems to make the season worse. Even the word “company” makes me uncomfortable. And I’m not talking about the Stephen Sondheim musical, though it correctly defines my issue with or without gender reversals or instruments. (I sent my flutist daughter to school, and she returned as my son, the oboist.) This is also why I’m vehemently against both lollygagging house guests and all Sondheim secondary school productions.
But I digress. When asked when one knows they’ve become a hoarder, I often respond: when you can no longer have guests … or the remains of the last one is later found under that inexplicably lumpy sofa.
If wishing your duties away has proven ineffective and your own magical powers remain sorely limited to dodging work (while at work), it’s time to face the sound of one hand not cleaning.
If you think Angie’s List is a compendium of Miss Dickinson’s greatest roles, you need to turn off Fox News right now: they still think Columbo is a country in South America.
Yes, you have dozens of household projects needing to be addressed. And yes, there are thousands of qualified people looking for work. Unfortunately, you just aren’t one of them.
“You’re Getting Busy, Very Busy …”
1. Get a Good Night’s Sleep. Rest is important if you’re to attack the big day ahead. If you have sex, make certain not to make a mess as you’ve already enough to do. Extra laundry isn’t a problem if it’s not a lifestyle choice. Some are just born that way. Way, way messy.
2. Attempt to Wake Refreshed. Stay home and prepare a voluminous pot of coffee. No Starbucks and/or alternative coffee shop for you, sunshine. You don’t have time to sit with caffeinated comrades baby sipping poutine-infused lattes while awaiting rejections for their latest screenplay submissions such as, Rosemary’s Baby: A Colicky Hologram. (Update: DreamWorks has already optioned James Franco’s spoken word version. He plays both the placenta at The Dakota and a plate of polenta at a restaurant in North Dakota.) Now where’s my 2% Coffee mate creamer?
3. Play Disco Music. Hate disco? Even better! Nothing gets people off their feet faster than dance music or the breakfast burrito at Taco Bell. For the latter, use the toilet but don’t clean it. Today you do not have time to be a hero. Scrubbing Bubbles might be a contestant on next season’s Drag Race, but my money and cleaning products are on Debris A. Head for the thorny crown.
4. Pick a Room (Any Room). Lock yourself in tight. Pretend you’re Tippi Hedren trapped in a bedroom full of over-aroused birds. Start pulling the place apart as if a chubby, leering, man is filming your complete emotional breakdown. In short, just go nuts. Have a crazy tear at the entire room. Leave no turn un-stoned. Then step back, compose yourself and admire what a total disaster this room is compared to the rest of your home. Suddenly, perspective is everything.
5. Bitch and Complain. Nothing clears out a room faster than a whiny homeowner who is knee deep in clutter and dust bunnies that have evolved into alternative forms of life. You say: “But no one hears my cries of woe?” Why should today be different than any other? Bitch, bitch away, bitch! Your rooms will not be any cleaner but your head soon will be. And aren’t YOU more important than any disturbingly disorganized countertop? Inquiring condiments want to know!
6. Drink. A full tilt, alcohol-infused cleaning session might not produce the results you seek, but it sure empties out those half-used liquor bottles right quick. Recycling? Done! Buy everyone in your filthy room a second round… of disinfectant.
7. Blame Others. The house guest from six months ago? The neighbor who stopped by in search of her lost cat? Your dyslexic mailman? All perfectly fine individuals to blame for your own lack of cleanliness and organization. In life, when pressed, blaming others is a unique opportunity to weasel out of most anything you once promised to do. Though ignoble, this is the closest you’ll ever get to being efficient. And real efficiency, dear one, lives within the art of blaming others.
In light of the recent darkening of democracy, I offer the above suggestions not as misinformation but clarification. You have the right to be happy even when it appears more elusive than an empty vacuum cleaner bag. Your home is your castle and if it now appears to be more Dracula’s than Edinburgh’s, so be it.
One can assuredly sit and pine and whine away the end of sanity or slouch in the clutter of the utter incomprehensibility of the moment. Either way, like the aforementioned vacuum, it’s perfectly fine for it all to suck.
Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault.
Best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things and Vintage Confidential, he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and is a podcast guest favorite. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com or on Etsy at TheDeadPeoplesStore.
