IT’S ALL MY FAULT

Thank You For Your Attention To This Matter 

By Duane Scott Cerny 

I know you have a busy life. Tending to your family, lending an ear to troubled friends, making certain you’re recycling correctly. It’s endless. This is why I appreciate you taking the time to read this very sentence. In fact, I lay prostrate before you in thankfulness and very happy that prostrate is spelled correctly. So yes, I’m lubricating my gratitude on thick.

Now may I ask a favor of you? The survey below will take less time than using ChatGPT to write a convincing ransom note, especially without having to cut and paste all those letters out of random unread newspapers. Yes, the end may be near but not before I toss you a dozen quick questions.

As an American, I value your opinion on how things are going. I realize we’re all feeling stressed with the duties of life; living, breathing, and the scrubbing of one’s cell phone’s search history. I also recognize carrying five forms of identification with you at all times can be frustrating, especially while swimming, showering, or enjoying sitz baths, but I promise you a faster check-out deportation experience, should it be necessary. 

My #1 goal is to keep you semi-satisfied/confused, then keep you quiet, perhaps in a country rarely appearing on Condé Nast Travelers’ “Top Ten Vacation Spots.” Honestly, If I’d wanted your complete participation, an unmarked SUV would already be parked outside your window with the engine running.

Now, shall we begin?

1. How likely are you to recommend the United States to a friend, colleague, or someone you’re semi-stalking on Tinder/Grindr, where 0 equals Concerned and 10 equals Living in a Secret Room Behind a Bookcase?

2. If the United States were coffee grounds, what grind would you believe it to be? A) French press. 2) Drip. 3) Espresso. 4) Turkish. (See Erdogan, Iron Grip.)

3. Have you or any member of your family, including your third cousin Marjorie who lives under your mother-in-law’s porch, ever attended a meeting where socialism was discussed, even in passing like an old chip and dip set? Please include all Scrabble, Wordle or drunken graffiti references.

4. On a postal scale ranging from “the envelope is too small” to “the body is too heavy for media mail” how would you rate the progress of American fascism?

5. What resources can you provide to assist in the fall of democracy? Please choose only one: A) Apathy. B) Lethargy. C) Patriarchy. D) Your Famous Macaroni Salad.

6. Complete the following sentence: When democracy is on the line, I will… A) Move the goal post. B) Move my home furnishings about. (See: Feng Shui). C) Move to Argentina for its rich history of repatriating immigrants. (German Fuhrer fluency optional.)

7. What best describes your opinion in the potential overthrow of the government? A) Unaware. B) Only Browsing. C) Enthusiastic. D) Incontinent. E) Bowel Worthy. F) I wasn’t there that day.

8. Which are your preferred sources for news and information? A) State-controlled television. B)  Right-wing streaming services. C) Cat videos. D) Print (meaning newspapers/magazines, not 3D weaponry replicas). E) Emails from Nigerian royalty in need of dire financial rescue. 

9. How do you feel about turning someone in to a: A) Theater critic. B) Toad. C) Melted witch. D) Prince, but not from England. E) An incompetent whistleblower. 

10. If you ever had an enemies list, would you keep it in… A) Safety deposit box. B) Behind your water heater. C) Buried in the backyard next to a dog, two cats and a parakeet who outlived them all. D) Memorized in a mind with cognitive issues.

11. What device are you now using to complete this survey? A) Computer. B) Cell phone. C) Tablet (stone, capsule or otherwise). D) Chip in head. E) Uploaded via an overhead passing cloud.

12. Finally, what parts of the United States are best suited for either a Nuremberg-type rally or a Nuremberg-style trial? A)  Blue states. B) Red states. C) Purple states. D) Puce with flat notes of San Simeon green states.

Thank you for completing this unimportant survey. My algorithms rejoice as angels weep. And just as an aside: how some of us are able to simultaneously juggle completely opposing positions in our brains is completely Beyond Beef to me.

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Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things and Vintage Confidential,” he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and is a guest favorite among podcasters. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com.