IT’S ALL MY FAULT

Chicago: City of the Big Shoulder Pads

By Duane Scott Cerny

I live in both Chicago and New York City. The windows of my homes offer either a neck-straining glimpse of Wrigley Field or a frosted overview of Bleecker’s Magnolia Bakery. Though each city provides similar perspectives of an ever-shaking reality, Chicago has become the targeted Ground Zero for the obscenity that is the 47th president. And just as many New Yorkers cannot wait to stick progressive Democratic Socialist Mamdani up Trump’s decrepitly dwindling historical relevance, Chicagoans bravely protest daily and lawfully.

 While there is still a collective breath to take consider this baker’s dozen of facts, follies, and things filed under “Go Figure.”

1.The Department of War’s attack on the city and its suburbs (12 million people!) have been coined “Operation Midway Blitz.” Strangely, if they were trying to channel images of the film The Battle of Midway, they missed it by a TMZ mile. Chicago’s Midway has a long and infamous history, notably the location of the sideshow exhibits at the 1933 Century of Progress World’s Fair. Or perhaps this was their intention all along. Who wouldn’t pay 25 cents to see the Epstein files? Fifty cents if you want your souvenir photo taken beside them and a cut out of a corpulent ex-president.

2. Chicago author Nelson Algren once wrote: “Chicago is like loving a woman with a broken nose, you may well find lovelier lovelies. But never a lovely so real.” Meaning: Break our nose and we become more real. Not more lovely, not more handsome. More real. Cities like Chicago are experiencing America’s impending reality in real time. Or as Mia Farrow’s character screamed out in a climactic scene from Rosemary’s Baby, “This is really happening!”

3. Two years ago, Republicans portrayed Democrats as weak, crybabies and snowflakes. Now we are labeled as terrorists. Though we are none of these things, our rebranding efforts are successful, proven every time Kristi Noem is not permitted the use of any Chicago toilet. True story that! (Kristi: Ask Donald to lend you a diaper.)

4. A laughing ICE agent shot a pastor in the face with multiple pepper balls. Minister David Black continues to be a vocal nonviolent protester, as are thousands of others. The reverend may very well forgive the shooter, I do not know. However, Chicagoans, as is their nature, invoked unprintable feelings about the shooter’s mother.

5. Chicagoans are now filming ICE agents at arm’s length, shooting horizontally to capture the big picture, and narrating in detail what they see and are experiencing. Coincidentally, these same rules apply when engaging a handsy Donald Trump. Note: Watch for any of his three thumbs.

6. Black helicopters nightly trace the city’s skyline and its dazzling lakefront, cosplaying “Wrong Way” Corrigan, flying back and forth like lame gamers with limp joy sticks. They circle Wrigley Field, notably when no night games are scheduled. No one is home. And I’m not referring to the ballpark.

7. Taking a cue from Los Angeles, Chicago’s notorious tow truck companies are now towing illegally parked ICE vehicles. Good luck dealing with multiple teeth-baring Dobermans and the tow company’s ever-angry owner who keeps his teeth in a glass of better bourbon. And impound is cash only, suckers!

8. Several Texas National Guardsmen were sent home for being overweight, bearded, and not a match to Pete Hegseth’s far right interests. Clearly, he isn’t into beards.January 6 rioters having been a hugely hirsute disappointment beyond mere insurrection. Firearms, tasers, knives, and (ironically) bear spray were okily dokily, but no one thought to bring a razor?

9. Chicago is famous for its delicious deep-dish pizza, ketchup-less hot dogs and Italian beef sandwiches, both dipped and sweet. All these will only be available as smells, not as rations to our unwelcome visitors.

10. At the time of this writing some 27 Chicago police officers have been pepper sprayed by the Guard, underscoring which side of the fence the CPD stands. The right side of both fence and history. Though not yet December, it’s beginning to look a lot like Kristallnacht.

11. Why is ICE targeting Chicago? Could be it because it’s a Democratic stronghold, which brought the United States the successful presidency of a handsome, healthy and whip-smart Barack Obama? Or is it because Illinois Governor Pritzker believes we should immediately enact the 25th Amendment? Pick a treason, any treason.

12. Unable to fill their terrorist quota, ICE agents are chasing/arresting street-food vendors and delivery cyclists. This is confounding. Perhaps most Texas street foods still retain their furry tails during consumption and not all fried balls are filled with cheese.

 13. Hot off the skillet of Beef on Netflix, Get Kristi Noem is the latest production being filmed around town. Yes, the cameras are intended to be pointed, like the guns, at protestors; instead, Noem’s camouflage photo ops abound in patterned green. She has appeared on more rooftops than the Wicked Witch of the West in freefall. But to be fair, this is Noem’s Sunset Boulevard/Norma Desmond moment. She is big. It’s Trump’s scripture that got small.

 Poet Carl Sandburg wrote of Chicago: “…Stormy, husky, brawling, City of the Big Shoulders.” What might Algren and Sandburg have made of this uncivilized war? Algren, no doubt besotted, may have punched a certain lovely in the nose, then subsequently fallen smitten. Sandburg, I am nearly certain, would rest his tear-stained head on my big shoulder pads. Then, as only mindful poets might think to do, together we would search for a gently used Zamboni on Facebook Marketplace.

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Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of “Selling Dead People’s Things” and “Vintage Confidential,” he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and is a guest favorite among fearless podcasters. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com.