It’s All My Fault

What Did I Miss This Week? Insanity!

By Duane Scott Cerny

The news of the world becomes more disturbing, shocking and, let’s be honest, downright odd with the passing of every numbing hour. In daily texts, friends check in with friends not only to see if they’re still alive but also to gather tips on how to absorb and survive the latest maddening actions from Gold Flinger. If a text or a phone call isn’t quickly acknowledged, a wellness check is often required. Friends take care of friends, even the annoying ones.

If a national wellness check could be taken, I’d estimate a good 30% of the country would be checking in on the other 30%. That percentile seems fair if not conservative, a word I use without securing competitive bidding. Let’s guesstimate at least 60% of Americans are more concerned with the mental health of one another than they are with the leader of the reality-free television show in which we all seem to have been cast. I don’t even recall auditioning, do you?

All wellness aside, let’s check up on what you may have missed while blinking through the latest catastrophes.

SCREWWORMS have entered the United States via Texas, somehow avoiding the incomplete, 10-foot-tall fence protecting us from the tireless workers of Mexico. Subsequently, Canada has started a beef with us by not buying our beef. I could have prefaced this report with a trigger warning, but then Trigger was a horse. So, also, don’t eat a horse.

SPACEX and Anthropic are both competing to become the first multitrillion-dollar IPO offering in stock market history. Space-X is best known for placing its successfully landing space boots on NASA’s face while Anthropic is famous for its ability to scare the bejesus out of anyone conscious. The Space-X IPO took Elon Musk to his beloved trillionaire status while Anthropic’s IPO will likely morph into a real-life hybrid of Interstellar, Soylent Green and Valley of the Dollars.

BALLROOM. Did you know Lyndon Johnson was the first president to have issues with his ballroom? Leaked recordings of conversations between Johnson and his tailor, Haggar Clothing Co., reveal troubling seam construction issues with his pants, limiting the president’s ability to rule freely. (Listen on YouTube: It’s a stitch!)

UKRANIAN ROBOTS have made huge advances against Russia’s land grab by utilizing entirely unmanned ground forces. In fact, some Russian soldiers have surrendered to robots, choosing to align with Ukraine while others have apparently paired up because it’s Pride Month and have demanding interest in learning to play hockey.

ALBANIA is attempting to create an Ivanka Trump/Jared Kushner anti-float zone where the two are not permitted to swim within many miles of the coastline. Setting the issue of permitting more plastic surgery refuse in the ocean’s water aside, Ivanka’s Saudi- and Qatari-funded dream of creating an exclusive billion-dollar resort may have become entangled in Albania’s fishing lines. While thousands of her people protest the development of Sazan Island’s environmentally protected natural habitat (See: Flamingo Revolution), Ivanka and Jared may find themselves an endangered species as their pre-taxidermy appearances so lend.

UFC built a $60M metal claw to host bloody cage fights on the south lawn of the White House for the president’s birthday. The event was a MAGA sad mix of violence, deplorable rhetoric, bad food, $120 souvenir t-shirts, insufferable heat and hyper-aggressive mosquitoes: basically, a Trump rally on steroids. So, let’s be honest: try as he might, Trump is no Caligula.

FLOCK CAMERAS. No, these devices do not track pigeons, geese or the crows that roost on jungle gyms in your Hitchcockian nightmares. Flock Safety cameras were originally introduced as a surveillance device to capture license plates and inappropriate bumper stickers. (I Stormed the Capitol & All I Got Was Pelosi’s Laptop). In 2026 alone, some 28,000 cameras have been installed with tens of thousands on their way to activation at an intersection or bedroom near you. Turns out, Big Brother was nearsighted all along. Who knew?

THE KENNEDY CENTER may be losing more letters than a malfunctioning Wheel of Fortune spin. With the removal of Donald K. Trump’s name, remember that the anagram for same is: Jump Lord Dant which feels about right, satanically speaking. For the last 16 months, we’ve been terrorized by a man who thinks his regal presence is everlasting. And whatever happens, do not tell Trump that the aerial forklift platform used to remove his name is called a “man basket.” And speaking of…

DATA CENTERS are a thirst trap. By 2028, AI data centers are estimated to demand over a trillion liters of water per year. That’s more fluid than Liberace’s Dancing Waters consumed over his exhausting 42-year Las Vegas residency. Consider this the next time you use ChatGPT or Claude to write that tersely worded note to your co-worker about their gag-inducing microwave lunches, to your neighbors about their non-existent recycling habits, or to your partner for misusing their safe word during masochistic scrabble. Remember: if you can’t convey these thoughts in-person and without the help of AI, then cry me a dry river.

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Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things” and “Vintage Confidential,” he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market. Send podcast invites to ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com.