IT’S ALL MY FAULT…
Take My Wife. Please!
By Duane Scott Cerny
Chivalry is dead.
It had a good run throughout much of modern history with its zenith being the Gilded Age of manly manners, grace and honor. But by the mid-20th century chivalry was on its last wooden leg, taking its final shuffle when a single woman thought a man was holding open her door, only to find herself walking through a sheet of plate glass. Clearly, things had changed.
The 21st century has now birthed an odd flip-flop: the wife as fall guy. Perhaps in the virulent defense of heterosexual marriage, men have discovered a heretofore hidden if not lost to history perk that can be utilized in all-too-convenient fashions. Mistresses may come and go, but a wife, she’s now the “Get Out of Jail Free Card.” Screw Monopoly. Here’s the Clue:
Let’s review a few famous marriages where ignorance is bliss and moral incontinence takes a piss.
Senator Bob Menendez has been found guilty of fraud, bribery, extortion, obstruction of justice and acting as a foreign agent for Egypt. So much for pyramid power. To avoid foreclosure on a residential property, Menendez accepted a mortgage payoff by a constituent of approximately $23,000. Another constituent gifted him 12 gold bars.
Menendez insists his girlfriend (now his wife, Nadine Menendez) accepted these gifts without his knowledge. Also, part of his bribery defense is that gold bars are sold at Costco. I must have missed that aisle while coffin shopping when, clearly, I should have been shopping for constituents.
Is Nadine Menendez the guilty one? If so: Take My Wife. Please.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito flew an upside-down American flag (a “Stop the Steal” trope) over his home following the January 6, 2021 insurrection at the U.S. Capital. Not only does Alito deny noticing the flag flying in his own yard, but he claims it was done by his wife, Martha-Ann Alito, without his knowledge.
Martha’s excuse: a neighbor had an anti-Trump sign in front of their home. I’m guessing she would have simply egged the neighbor’s windows if her husband wasn’t hearing a case from the American Poultry Association.
One week following the reporting of the first flag, images of Alito’s Jersey Shore vacation home revealed yet a second flag, this one identical to those used at the U.S. Capitol riot and unrepentantly pro-Trump. By now the Alitos have waved more flags than an enthusiastic drag queen at a Gay Pride parade.
Is Martha-Ann Alito the guilty one? If so: Take My Wife. Please.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, never a man to pass up multiple free meals or lavish vacations, enjoys the company of his wife, Ginni Thomas, especially when he is clueless regarding her hobbies, mainly leading “Stop the Steal” campaign on January 6. The couple insist they lead separate lives though they enjoy being seated together on private jets “which would otherwise have been unoccupied.” You know, like an airplane toilet.
Ginni Thomas is infamous for her expert texting skills in subverting elections, busy running her boutique business Liberty Consulting, and contributing to Project 2025: Unravel America First. Curiously, the only people Ginni did not consult were the majority of the American people. She is presently not at liberty to comment because of private jet lag.
Is Ginni Thomas the guilty one? If so: Take My Wife. Please.
Unquestionably, the King of Wifey baloney, Donald Trump, snags the greatest delicatessen prize of all. After the Access Hollywood “grab them by the pussycat” incident, Trump claimed it was Melania who suggested the defensive excuse: “locker room talk.”
Now either Slovenia has a highly underrated soccer team or Melania Trump has been inside more locker rooms than have towel attendants. Of course, there could be other explanations to her brilliant suggestion. Perhaps at various couture exhibitions there’s often a preponderance of “fashion show talk” where women boast of their conquests at Nordstrom Rack, The RealReal, or slumming at Burlington Coat Factory. That Melania: she doesn’t speak often but apparently, she’s quite the listener.
Is Melania Trump the guilty one? If so: Take My Wife. Please.
I could go on though the ghost of chivalry past precludes further comment. Did comedian Henny Youngman ever throw his wife under a bus for a laugh? Perhaps. But then he was trying to be funny, not criminal. It certainly puts a new spin on the iconic comic phrase: “I killed!”
Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things and Vintage Confidential, he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and is a podcast guest favorite. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.com or on Etsy @ TheDeadPeoplesStore.
