IT’S ALL MY FAULT!
Project 2025: The Rebranding (or) the Art of the Schlemiel
By Duane Scott Cerny
Though kind of the Heritage Foundation to release Trump’s presidential transition blueprint to the public early, its publication has not created the bestseller they had so hoped. It’s certainly no Hillbilly Elegy.
Clocking in at 920 pages, it is badly in need of an editor with a death wish or late-stage glaucoma. With all bestsellers hopes now dashed, perhaps we can begin rebranding with a title change. Personally, I’m fond of Gone with the Long-Winded.
Apparently, this opus was written by some 170 individuals, making it more of an anthology of frustrated, wannabe despots expounding their evil bureaucratic plans designed to demolish the state. Other than that, perhaps they’re fun at book burnings.
So how did this manuscript come to be? Well, imagine if all the friends of Hannibal Lecter submitted their favorite recipes and published a cookbook. Vegans aside, their recipes still wouldn’t rise to the celebratory drinking of “a nice Chianti” over a failed coup.
The text is all over the place, most of it rather hard to follow unless you’re goosestepping. At least Mein Kampf, though equally convoluted, had a story. Literally.
Further, the title Project 2025 isn’t sexy. If they were trying to get us in the mood for a revolution, they missed bigly. No candy. No flowers. Project 2025 is like a hate-filled love letter from a stalker. Plus, seducing us toward their ideas should never be a “project.” Those types of romantic ideals inevitably end up like a bad date at a Waffle House with limited parking. Not that their politically lustful ideas waffle; in fact, they stack more pancake-like in a bulimic “all-you-can-eat” kind of way.
Still, in the Democratic tradition of helping those less fortunate, I offer here a few marketing ideas to turn their frowns upside down. You know, like in The Poseidon Adventure.
Project 2025: The Musical
Of course, it’s badly in need of a new book writer and score. Isn’t Kid Rock a musician of misaligned sorts? Have him write a dozen or so fanatical songs with an eleven o’clock number that brings down the House… of Representatives. Think: Hamilton in an alternative, fact-free universe. Find a reality star, perhaps someone from the far-right leaning Desperate Housewives of the Villages, steal the set from 1984, toss in some cute boy and girl dancers (no neutral genders), and you’ve got yourself a Broadway show. I smell a Tony… Soprano!
Project 2025: The Game Show
Contestants face off in a grueling challenge of simple questions where only wrong answers are correct. Example: “Marjorie Taylor Greene was thrown out of a theater. Name the theater.” Answer: “Absurd.” The contestant who answers the most questions incorrectly wins the U.S. expulsion of one illegal alien and a family member of their choice. (Blonde employees of Fox News are exempt, per Roger and what forever ails him.)
Project 2025: The Fragrance
Something stinks and Republicans think it’s your democracy. The RNC should hit the perfume labs and create a scent so politically engaging, so hypnotically powerful, that one whiff of the spritz sends the Dems and Independents off to the polls in a delirious euphoria of fascism. Or at least a good contact high. Now, pass me the Doritos.
Project 2025: The Interactive Experience
Touring the country in shuttered Walmart stores and lesser county fairs, this A.I.-inspired adventure allows guests to explore all 920 pages by climbing into the text itself. Imagine the immersive experience of physically jumping from one human-right-denying paragraph to the next. And as abortion is mentioned some 200 times, get ready for death-defying fun. Have the kids count every semicolon and semi-documented worker; it makes learning without a calculator challenging, if not home-schooling impossible. Try not to be overwhelmed by it all. Remember, should you start to falter, a food court and restrooms are located around page 450.
Project 2025: The Brand
I see it on hats, T-shirts, sneakers. I see it plastered on buildings, on casinos, on water bottles, and on steaks, some made from actual cows. I see it on teabags. (In Russia it is referred to as tea bagging.) I see it as a play-at-home game, as a memoir ghost-written by an actual ghost, as an NFT (no, not NAFTA). I see it emblazoned on airplanes formerly owned by Jeffrey Epstein. I see it as a university where nothing is learned except the word “swindle.” I see all of this unless it’s been done before to great failure. If so, then never mind.
I considered suggesting Project 2025 take itself less seriously until I saw J.D. (Vivian) Vance from his Yale drag years. Perhaps Donald Trump should borrow a page from I Love Lucy as her get-rich-quick schemes never seemed to work either.
Duane Scott Cerny takes the blame for most everything in his monthly satirical column, It’s All My Fault. Best-selling author of Selling Dead People’s Things and Vintage Confidential, he is the co-owner of Chicago’s Broadway Antique Market and is a podcast guest favorite. Contact him at E-ThanklessGreetings@yahoo.
